Castle Fashion

24 December

Budapest

Our tour of Eastern Europe began in the Budapest, Hungary, late in the afternoon on a very icy day. There wasn’t a lot of snow to be had, only some surface white on higher ground. Our cabbie dumped us in the middle of the street, and grumbled and pointed in the direction of a stone wall with a narrow opening to it, that happened to be the entrance to our hotel. It turns out that unmarked walls, doors or windows are actually the places your are probably looking for in Budapest, so patience is required or a lot of accidental luck.

Some leftover perks from previous employment as travel agents allowed us to stay for free for three nights in a very nice hotel located in the historical old castle district called Buda. Budapest is divided into two by the famous Danube River. The old, or upper side is Buda; the new and lower side is Pest. Town planning made simple. Anyone who asks why Budapest is named as such gets a slap in the back of the head.

Once the M.C.A ducks turned up, we would have a song on our hands

Budapest is often called the Paris of the East. In fact, Buenos Aires is called the Paris of South America, and Beirut is monikered with The Paris of the Arab World. Why do people compare other cities with Paris as the yardstick? For mine, Budapest is the grandest and most beautiful of Europe’s many fine cities. Now I’ve been here three times to Paris’ one. Kylie disagrees with me on this one though, so it makes for some lengthy discussions on reasoning at times.

To recruit more youngsters, Al Qaeda needed a new fashionable look

Looking for a phone number that drinkers attach to the roof of the bar

Bear Grylls was forced to any extreme in order to survive 

The perfect layout of this city allows wealthy views all around. You may be gazing from Buda Castle over the Danube through the Lion guarded chain bridge (one that gives many of the world’s famous bridges a serious run for their money) and next be taken over by the Christmas awe that emanates from the traditional markets in the old town square. It is at these markets where you can sample the usual Eastern European meaty fare; pork hocks, spicy sausages, and the food granddaddy of them all, goulash. There aren’t many meals that you can eat three times a day, apart from perhaps a packet of Twisties, but we gave it our best shot as we went from stall to stall tasting bowls of goulash or goulash in a bread roll shaped into a bowl. Gotta love paprika.

Horse chasey was usually over quite quickly

Modern surgery

Budapest, not Paris

When we left Dublin it was getting quite chilly, rarely hovering above zero, but that was a boiling hot day compared to our experiences in Budapest. The temperatures during our usual daytime walking tours (these are free tours we take when operating in world cities, they are usually run by students and you just give them a little tip at the end-great value and the insights are second the none, unless an actual historian ran the show, but these guys and gals are pretty decent) were anywhere from minus 10 to minus 20 including wind chill, which apart from Bolivian policeman, is my most hated thing on this trip. It is difficult to get over and get used to, these sorts of conditions, but then again, a Hungarian did invent the Rubik’s cube.

We had to get into the habit of waking earlier just to allow time to dress ourselves, seeing we needed extensive layering.

So how does one prepare for this? Easy, you start with the undies, no problems there. Then the thermal pants and tops would go on. Note the plural here. We have two sets each; they had to be worn. Then the t-shirt, long sleeved was best, then jeans. Then a long sleeved jumper or cardigan or hoodies. Then the scarf would be applied, precisely so as to allow for maximum chill blocking. Cold neck sides can make one very grumpy. Then the socks, two pair, one thick enough to break a window. Then the boots, winter boots bought from Aldi last minute for $20, but extremely good value in that they are waterproof, but poor value in that you cant actually walk in them, and your toes are calling emergency lines for rescue. If you could move at this stage, then its time to apply the expensive down jacket purchased before departure and thank God that geese were created and plucked affording you this cosy winter warmth. Then the beanie and gloves, ski quality, to top it off. You then would hope that you hadn’t forgot to take a piss. If so, repeat these steps. Although all of this is worth it, even the blinding icy wind, to witness Budapest at its finest, and that is after dark, such is the show the lights put on as they bounce of the castles and city walls. Budapest also has a very happening nightlife with a huge array of clubs and bars one can easily spend too many forints in. Apart from clothes, we found the best way to keep ourselves warm was the good old mulled wine (for Kylie, I hate the stuff), or hot chocolate laced with rum. So, so good. The hot chocolate in these parts is quite thick. Think actual chocolate, just melted, and poured into a cup for you to cut with a knife. But so, so good, just to make myself clear.

The carollers were quite piercing

Commie town, wet and grey.

The Stalin  striptease had to be liked. Or else

After three super days, we left on the last night to the railway station, and after a dinner of Chimney Cake (a sweet, crispy bread with cinnamon flavour that resembles and smells like donuts the second they come out of the fryer, and just as drool worthy), we boarded our train to Krakow, Poland. We were lucky that as it was off-season, we managed to have a six-berth cabin for ourselves, which in reality, is probably only big enough for a box of frogs. So we cramped down, and didn’t dare move the whole night for fear of being flung out onto the tracks to die a freezing death.

The toy car was well received by the happy child

A little after 6am, we were woken by the friendly conductor, who to be honest didn’t have much to do all night, as we seemed to be one of four travellers on the whole train. A short while later we disembarked in Krakow, Poland’s best city. I say best because I was here over ten years ago and my memories involved getting drunk and missing the hostel curfew and being chased away with a broom by a man who’s doorstep I was “sleeping” on. Another fabulous old town, with an historical old square with delicious local food and cheap booze. 

Nowa Huta

Poland was of course an ex Communist nation, so what better way to experience this than to live the Commie life for a short while. So after a short walking tour, which was Christmas themed by visiting Churches and listening to stories of Polish versions of Santa and finishing with rousing carols in Polish, we found another guide who happened to own a Commie Car. The Trabbant, or Trabbie, was a purpose built people mover, constructed by the East Germans. Although calling it a people mover is a bit generous, unless you are a dwarf or you are also looking to transport a box of frogs like the Hungarian trains. So we met another tourist, and cramped into the car with the driver with all the elegance of a pole-dancing snail. With knees tucked into our eyelids, we clattered off into the streets, at a leisurely 50kph down the main highway.  It was a very cold day, with the windows consistently fogged up and blocking any sort of visibility. Seatbelts were absent, probably because you would need a trailer attached to be able to fit them in.

The Trabbie was a symbol of communism in that it was the car for all, where everyone was equal. Its very economical, 23 horsepower and two-stroke engine. Most of the machine is fibreglass so it contributes to the lightweight 600kg approximate weight. Very handy to pick up and park in that tight spot when the lack of power steering gets to you. But as squishy as they are, the Eastern Europeans still managed to smuggle family members into them, usually under the seats, in attempts, often ill fated, to sneak over the Berlin Wall and far away from the Iron Curtain. The car took us to a commie bar; all red and occasional pink interior, and table statues of Stalin, for a shot of vodka. This bar was located in a purpose built communist city named Nowa Huta. Everything here is grey and drab. The sleet and cold were fitting.

Entrance to Auschwitz

Most days are fun when travelling and full of enjoyment. Occasionally the necessary history lessons on humanity’s evil bring you back to earth with a thud. This is the feeling you get when you visit Auschwitz / Birkenau concentration camps, located in Southern Poland. We are all aware of the events of the past, so I’ll save any reminders. It’s something as a human race we can never forget and walking among the emptiness and desolation through the snow and fading light added to the eeriness and isolation of this cruel, sad place.

Incinerator

Gas chamber

Camps

The end of the line for millions.

Poland finished beneath the surface in a medieval underground bar where we shared space with the Russian Amazing Race team, who were in town filming and getting smashed. The next day we took a bus to Zakopane, in the mountains by the Slovakian border, and nearly ended up spending some extended time there. Our final destination was to be just over the border, an easy forty minutes away, but far too difficult for Polish public transport. But we hadn’t realised that being off peak, buses weren’t actually running. Our Polish is a little bit rusty, but some figures and funny looking letters on the bus stand sign indicated that we would be walking. A translation from a teenager who could be the next Clearasil model confirmed our worst fears. We are not heading anywhere. Another friendly chap suggested we could get there by taking seven different buses and then a wheelbarrow being driven by a cat, and we might get close. In the end we thought, “Fuck it” and took a taxi.